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Here I am writing a blog at about 7:50 am in the morning. 

The reason? I don't know. 

I just was not able to sleep. Not sure why. 

There I was lying in bed and trying to sleep but I do not know if the rest of you guys have this feeling where you know you just can't fall asleep. So instead I just got out of bed. This is at around 6 am. I tried to go to sleep at 4. So when I got out of bed I was hungry. I proceeded to go make rice.

While waiting for my rice to cook I went to go read The Bible. I honestly have not read it by myself in a very long time. But dude life is not going all goody goody and perfect. Not even near that at all. But a good friend of mine is willing to spend late nights and just talk. He also shared with me verses. I must honestly admit that The Bible is so complex yet so simple at the same time. 

The Bible is truth. The Bible encourages. I pray that it will be a habit of mine. Not just some book to turn to when I'm feeling needy or down, but just a source of knowledge that I look towards to daily as spiritual food. 

"Your word is a lamp to my feet and a light for my path" Psalm 119:105

I also pray that God will satisfy my spiritual hunger and thirst. God I'm desperate for you. I'm nothing without you. Although as hard as it may seem to believe that He indeed has a plan for me because He knows best. I am foolish. I don't know anything. What I want is not always right. Let me not long for these temporary worldly things but let me desire what means so much more. Let me strive for those things more precious than gold and silver.

"What good will it be for a man if he gains the whole world, yet forfeits his soul? Or what can a man give in exchange for his soul?" Matthew 16:26

God, I wish that you will lead me. Let me not compare my life with other people. God I pray that you will lead the way. Let the end of the finish line be you. You are my ultimate goal. Help me find a way to achieve that precious relationship you allow us to obtain.

God, as hard as life seems do not let me grow weary. I know you are there when we are at our lowest points. Although hard to believe sometimes and sometimes getting the feeling that You aren't even there, give me faith and give me trust. Your love never fails. God through the hard times you are teaching me something. Let this struggle that I am going through right now be meaningful and bless not only me but the other people around me. And when you heal my heart let me be a living testimony of your glory. 

Like you say in Romans 5:3-4 that our sufferings produce perseverance and with that comes character and with character comes hope. God give me hope. Hope in you Lord. Not the world. Let me look beyond worldly things and look on towards you. It is so difficult. No lie.

God let me persevere. Give me hope. I will wait. Just wait. God has His ultimate plan.

John Waller - While I'm Waiting

While I'm waiting

I will not faint

I'll be running the race
Even while I wait

Let me not revolve my life around such. Instead let me revolve my life around you God. God you know my true heart's desires. You don't want good in my life. You want GREAT in my life. Don't let me settle. Give me patience. 

A friend once told me this analogy.

For everything that we desire there is a seed. God knows our heart's desires. God plants that seed for us in the ground. Sometimes we want that outcome of the seed so badly we become impatient. It takes time for the seed to grow into something beautiful. Many times in our lives the seed grows just a tiny bit. Only a small stem is emerged. We are so eager and impatient that we want to immediately pick that stem. God doesn't want to give us a stem. God wants to give us so much more. He wants to give us the flower. The real thing. Don't grow impatient. Wait for the Lord. He knows when the time is right.

Give me a heart to love everyone around me. Keep those people who are close to me dear to my heart. Let me be real. Transparent. No faking, no acting.

I don't know who reads this. But if you somehow read this or come across this. 

I hope you are encouraged. 

Don't lose heart. 

Don't be deceived by Satan. If you flee from Satan, Satan will surely flee from you. 

Keep one another accountable. Keep me accountable. Together we are a community and we just got to be there for one another. Carry each other's burdens. Help one another. Love one another.

Life is hard. Life is crappy. No one said it's going to be easy. 

However if there is a struggle. Don't be afraid. You are not alone.

Find someone you love, trust. Someone who has genuine care. Share your life, share your struggles. Don't go through hard times alone.

Trust in the Lord, He makes ALL things possible.

Sooner or Later...

it all comes crashing down :(

Well tonight was the end of IM flag football season. Signing off as captain of my team. We made it to the championship game and lost it. My bad...shoot. Bad play calling. But gotta give props to my team. Played hard throughout the season and got this far. Great season.

I realized that this season was more than just football. Being a captain meant that I was the leader. I didn't really understand what it really meant to be captain of a team since I guess this was my first time. I had to lead my team towards the right direction. That direction is winning. Yeah we won a few games and such but our ultimate goal was to win championship and get on the wall and get that cool T-shirt. I gotta say it really really sucks having this feeling of losing when you were so close. Dang. 

Last night before the game I thought quite a lot about my team. When being captain you don't really care about how much work you do. You are just doing whatever you can towards that one goal. I realized that I had to go through a captain's meeting, call the IM office, pay the fee, try changing the dates of two games but failing, getting on my bike at 2:45pm before every game and calling everyone to tell them to hurry up, making sure people are going to actually be at the game, make sure we had enough players, check the rainy day report, rush back from home home to make the game on time, tell people to wear a certain color and bring another color just in case, bring my football to the games, tell the team what to do in the huddle, pep talks, pump up the team, think of football plays during chemistry...and more!

Yeah the list may be long but I don't care! I'm definitely not bragging or anything but I'm just saying that there is so much responsibility and I don't mind that at all as long as we are winning and everyone is happy. Sorry for getting upset and yelling sometimes. But wow. Being a leader in general takes so much responsbility and I have so much to learn. I don't want to be just a leader over some football team but I want to be able to be a leader in general. Be able to put aside the nitty bitty details and just do stuff. Don't count the things like "Oh I did this already so you should do this" but just step up and be a leader. College is definitely a place to learn and to grow. 

Dang but this game meant a lot to my team. I know how badly they all wanted to win. Seeing the look in their eyes when the final seconds of the game were ticking down it just struck me. It's my fault. I failed to achieve the goal that we were all looking forward. Dang...shoot. Not sure how to express my feelings right now. Basically pretty darn bummed out. Ha

Losing something in general is hard. For me at least I just like to think about it. What it could have been and how things could be improved. What needs fixing and just look over the situation as a whole and try again. It is unfortunate that there are some situations where there are no second chances. But honestly what can you do? There are those things which are just out of your grasp so all you can honestly do is hope. Dang but don't give up shoot no matter however crazy the situation looks and you feel like throwing in the towel. Hang in there

a small addition because of certain events...

I just want to say I am sorry. I let my pride get in the way. I don't really realize the truth until I humble myself and take a step back and examine myself. It's not you it's me. I was wrong. I honestly need change